someone threw a dead crab at me
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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