I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
