Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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