i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
