i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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