Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
