awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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