i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
