Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
