I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
