Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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