I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
