Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
