You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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