I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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