we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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