Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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