I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
