I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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