Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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