I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
