Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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