bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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