just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
