No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
