saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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