he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
