just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Randomize
