I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
