I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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