Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
