We need to rekindle our bromance
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
