I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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