Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
