You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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