hell yes lets make some ravioli
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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