I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
