i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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