Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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