wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
areolas are like halos for boobs.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
