I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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