and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
