I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
