I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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