All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
