I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
