I'm sorry my penis didn't work
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
