Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
