I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
