my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
