Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
