I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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