mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
